Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
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