Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
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If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
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He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
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