Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
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