so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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