i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Randomize
