I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
