That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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