dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
Randomize
