So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
