Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
It's blow job season.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
