You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I would fuck him just for his dog
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
