now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
