Your mouth is God's brothel.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
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