Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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