She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
