i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
I should be sponsored by Trojan
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
