Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Randomize
