By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
