I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Randomize
