u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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