Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I met the friendliest cop last night
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Randomize
