I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
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