when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Randomize
