Christians are straight up FREAKS
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
