just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
