Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
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