I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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