i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
