Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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