I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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