i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
