We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
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I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
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Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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