Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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