I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Randomize
