I met the friendliest cop last night
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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