listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I think people are normalizing furries
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
