So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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