You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
