life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
