i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
