I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
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