he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize