I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
