I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
