you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
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I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
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I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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