I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
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