The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
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