Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
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