I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
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