There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
