You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
