He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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