He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Randomize
