I think I won the penis lottery.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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