She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
