I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
